Advice to Sigālaka 4 – Six Directions

Western direction representing spouse

Husbands should minister to their wives in the follow ways:

a) Treat your wife with honour;
b) Do not disparage your wife;
c) Be faithful;
d) Share authority;
e) Give gifts.

Wives should reciprocate with compassion by:

a) Being well-organized;
b) Being kindly disposed to domestic helpers;
c) Being faithful;
d) Looking after household goods;
e) Being skillful and diligent in all duties.

In modern times, if the husband is the sole breadwinner and the wife is the homemaker, they should follow the Buddha’s instructions to treat each other appropriately as mentioned above. However, due to the rising cost of living, many families have both spouses working to make ends meet. As such, there is a need to combine the lists for both spouses to follow.

a) Treat your spouse with honour and do not disparage your spouse

This is an important aspect of amicable, long-term marriage. There are people who scold and put down their spouse in front of others. It is bad enough to make the spouse lose dignity by doing that. Even worse is putting down spouses in front of friends and family members behind their backs. Whenever there is any disagreement, it should be settled behind closed doors and not quarrel in front of others.

b) Be faithful

With both spouses are working, there are a lot of opportunities to be involved in extramarital affairs with colleagues and use overseas assignments as a guise to spend time with the lover. When one spouse decides to get involved in an extramarital affair, it is usually because there are some permanent problems in the marriage. However, instead of seeking professional help, the spouse decided to cheat, in hopes of finding a better partner. Everything may seem to be working initially but studies have found that that is a high chance that the lover shares the same personalities as the cheated spouse⁵. This is because the cheating spouse still retain the same preferences when choosing new partners. Even though the honeymoon period of the affair will seem rosy and exhilarating, everything will come back to reality and the cheating spouse will find that the lover is the same as the cheated spouse and may even have other traits that are worse. Therefore, if the cheating spouse marries the lover, 85 – 90% of these relationships do not work out.

Hence, it may be better both parties to seek professional help to resolve any permanent issues between spouses before turning to extramarital affairs or divorce.

c) Share authority and be skillful and diligent in all duties

Sharing of authority should be done regardless of the type of family, whether having a single breadwinner or both spouses are working. There are many ways that can be done to share authority. One example is to have one spouse in charge of finances while the other spouse in charge of home matters. This can work out if spouses are knowledgeable in different matters. Another way to share authority is to consult each other’s opinion in all matters before making a decision. In this way, both will take responsibility for all decisions made and will not blame each other if anything goes wrong.

Along with authority will come responsibilities. It does not make sense to have someone in charge of finances yet the person has no knowledge about managing household finances and is lazy to keep track of household expenditures. Therefore, spouses should only take charge of areas they are capable of and if necessary, take courses and/or read books on areas that they are weak in, for example, finances, cooking and household chores, etc, in order to properly manage and organise the household.

d) Give gifts

Little things count in a relationship, whether good or bad, as they will pile up over time. Therefore, it is not necessary to wait till a special occasion to give presents and the gifts do not need to be expensive or elaborate. A stalk of flower, a personally written card or a massage can convey your appreciation for one another. Giving gifts show spouses that they are on your mind despite busy schedules and work pressures. It is also a good idea to give gifts randomly as there is an element of surprise to keep things fresh in a relationship.

e) Be kindly disposed to domestic helpers

Even up till recent times, there are news of employers abusing domestic helpers. It is sad that there are people who view domestic helpers as having lower social status just because they come from less affluent countries and family status, thus using various ways to hurt them. These domestic helpers have suffered abuse ranging from physical beatings to being wrongly sued for stealing.

The most recent domestic helper case to make headline in the news is the Parti Liyani case⁶ which involved Singapore’s highly influential Liew family. The helper, Ms Parti from Indonesia, was employed by the Liew family in 2007. In 2016, she was accused of stealing from the Liew family when she threatened to report to the Ministry of Manpower about the Liew family violating the regulation to deploy helpers to clean other places other than the home stated in the contract. The whole issue blew up and it was reported that the police had lapses in their investigations and the Attorney-General’s Chambers was ‘frivolous’ when handing out prosecutions⁷. During the court proceedings, the Liew family’s statements were also found to have many inconsistencies especially the son, Karl Liew, whom the High Court judge said was ‘a witness who was not only lacking in credibility but also did not take the process of giving testimony seriously‘. Liew Mun Leong, who was in various public service and business roles with Changi Airport Group, Surbana Jurong, Temasek Foundation and Temasek International, resigned after the High Court acquitted Ms Parti from all charges⁸. This case highlighted the ‘systemic weaknesses and underlying biases‘ in Singapore’s judicial system⁹.

The case showed that if the employer was willing to be kinder to their domestic helper instead of trying to make use their social status and power to force an outcome, everything could have been amicably resolved.

e) Be well-organised and look after the household goods

There is a tendency for humans to put stuff into empty spaces. If there is an empty cabinet in the house, it will soon be filled with stuff whether the household needs those things or not. Put a coffee table in front of the sofa and it will soon be filled with magazines, books, electronic devices and other stuff. After a while, the household will find that the coffee table is not enough for the household and a bigger one needs to be bought. This is the problem of not cleaning and keeping the house organised. This is especially important in countries like Singapore where land mass is scarce. It will be an extra financial burden to rent storage space just to put additional stuff. Furthermore, it will look more pleasing if one were to come back to a well-kept home instead of a messy one. It is also an embarrassment if guests visit the house and there is no space for visitors to sit due to the mess.

Another problem in modern household is the need to keep buying new stuff just because the advertisements say they are better. Many households have too many pots and pans which were bought during various sales but not often used. Also, old items are kept in the storerooms because of the ‘they will be available when we need it’ mentality. However, these items are usually forgotten and new ones will be bought when the need arises. Only during spring cleaning will the old stuff be found and the sudden enlightenment that any particular item existed will dawn on the household. Therefore, it is a good idea to sell off or donate any item that was not used for 3 months to reduce clutter in the household.